Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
You Might Also Like
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet