Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
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My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle