HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
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“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
In Canada they just call them geese
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.