HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
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a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
Otters drive ottermobiles.
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.