Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
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How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
How wrong was this guy?
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.