Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
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Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
waiting for halloween be like:
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…