Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
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Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
umm…
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”