Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
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If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.