Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
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DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
Shoo shoo! 😂
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
Any refunds available?…
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that