@LeonEarlgrey: Hipsters probly don't eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
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@CorkyCrash: 11's thoughts on tonight's dinner: "Well, it didn't make me gag, so I ate it." The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
@sweetg35: If you're not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
@daveexplosm: All the guys in working out photos look like they're straining or in pain, but there's lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
@garrydavenport: "Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo", I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to "remove pizza from box before consumption".