Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
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Ooops wrong house😂😜
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.