*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
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Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
Just a reminder, folks:
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.