A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
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Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?