*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
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A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*