*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
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Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised