*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
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Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
how do y’all walk in shallow water
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
😏😏😏
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.