*hires sky writer*
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There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
I think my mom just blocked me
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment