@MdUNH: *hires skywriter*
$1 MILLION DOLLARS OR I SKYWRITE GAME OF THRONES SPOILERS!
@LADaddy: The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
@karencheee: Why do people say children are the future? They are clearly the present. Old people are the future.
@AmberTozer: Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don't like them
@JBusch260: "Would you just look at all this bullshit?!" - enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
@flashember: [to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
PLS JUST DO IT
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good