@MdUNH: *hires skywriter*
$1 MILLION DOLLARS OR I SKYWRITE GAME OF THRONES SPOILERS!
@KrangTNelson: JERRY SEINFELD: so what's the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it's actually called "jetfuel"
@misfarber: Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don't know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
@Laser_Cat: If Skyrim has taught me anything, it's that you should always check people's urns for gold. Don't be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
@ch000ch: i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
@NotARatsAss: "Do you need a ride?"
Me, to every jogger I pass in my car