Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
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DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
Life hack
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.