Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
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7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
My wife has the worst taste in men.
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.