*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
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Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.