*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
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Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
s
oc
i
a
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I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools