Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
You Might Also Like
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
why I oughta
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried