“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
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While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
(Electricians.)
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.