@UNTRESOR: "His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he's spaghetti, his Mom's spaghetti." - Eminem first draft
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@OhNoSheTwitnt: Teen: Your brows are on fleek! Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek. Teen: Thanks! Me: God damn it.
@TheMichaelRock: We could completely eliminate car thefts by making every car alarm sound like Hillary Clinton's laugh.
@professor_eks: If you like to spoon, you'll love to spatula. That's where I flip you over to make certain you're done properly on both sides.
@LipLush1: 911: what's your emergency? me: I taught my Dad how to text 911: the problem ma'am? me: he CALLS to say "yeah, got ur text"