His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
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Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
We like the way Dwight thinks
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.