His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
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Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.