@Cpin42: His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
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@RdrJay47: Trainer: Why do you want to learn jujitsu? Person 1: To defend myself. Person 2: Discipline. Me: My girlfriend keeps stealing my fries.
@dumbbeezie: I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
@Ristolable: A girl on Facebook says it's officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
@PaperWash: [death row] Guard: alright tough guy one last meal Me: a cyanide pill Guard: what? no we want to kill you! Me: too bad Guard: aw man