His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
You Might Also Like
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.