His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
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If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.