His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
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You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.