I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
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I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
me irl
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
Welcome to the stomach
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
what
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
I’m more of a homeless romantic.