HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
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When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
I’m about to risk it all
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you