Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
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Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*