My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
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Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
Sign of the day..
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
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[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.