If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
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Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.