Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
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Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.