@OhNoSheTwitnt: Historical fact: The term "bro" originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
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@Inferno_V: 6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year? Me: 6: I like it Me: It's mistletoe son
@Prince_Smarming: A co-worker said to me, "Could you be any more annoying?" So the next day I wore tap shoes to work.
@MatCro: GF: I'm moving out if you don't stop pretending you work at a supermarket. ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
@abbycohenwl: Me: Why am I suddenly sick? Friend: Probably the change in the Weather [earlier] Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*