@mrtruthandsoul: "I think I stepped in some upchuck" What's up, Chuck? "Not much, but my name's not Chuck" *vomits*

@Twisted_Mettle: "Let's get this show on the road." ~ Guy who invented parades

@NotKevinSheedy: Imagine me riding a bike. Wrong. There's no seat.

@cool_as_heck: Her: I have Netflix if you wanna come watch a movie :) Me: No it's ok, I have my own account [60 years later on deathbed] Me: Wait a minute

@davidschneider: God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how's 2016 been? Did you cope OK? Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.