an airline just for babies.
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I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.