[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
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*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.