[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
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I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
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I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
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The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
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