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“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
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If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.