Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
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Scream sneezers need love too.
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix