Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
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My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
This hospital has everything
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?