@GoldenSpirals: Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn't have bought all this meat.
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@theshamingofjay: It's a good thing this video game is rated mature because it's going to be babysitting the kids tonight.
@cwhudson: [at a loud bar] HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS? HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
@QwertyJones3: *aliens return to ship* ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans? "We left them" AL: Why? "They didn't look anything like their selfies in rl"
@AnniemuMary: My husband got new earbuds. Think I'll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.