Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
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Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
I’m giving up ice.
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen