@Elizabeth___93: 'Hit me with your pet shark' #RuinAn80sSong
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@MatCro: [watching TV] GF: Tickle my back please ME: Is that nice? GF: Little bit higher ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
@rsynder336x2: Wife: Can you fix this, the holes too big for the thingy majingy? Me: Hey I know how it feels! Hahaha! *And then I regained consciousness
@Michael1979: Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.