‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
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sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”