@Elizabeth___93: 'Hit me with your pet shark' #RuinAn80sSong
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@thenoahkinsey: When you don't even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say "now let's try this again."
@Jenny4ashley: No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
@yungsweater: Bro do you even-- Bro I do. *eyes begin to tear up* *fist bumping until the sun rises*
@OneFunnyMummy: My kids and I are exact opposites. They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.