‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
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Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
Pickled cat.
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
I enjoy a good short stor
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.