Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
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When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*