*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
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Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
Jesus Christ lmao
What the hell happened here.
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire