*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
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“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell