shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
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Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
When you’re here for the treats.
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.