@Offensivehere: Hitler was the worst camp counselor ever.
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@WilliamRodgers: This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica.... Long story short....Send bail money...
@TheCareBare: "Baby last night you were so hot, let's do it all over again this morning." -me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
@hazelmotes1: Me: Could a drunk person do this!? *assembles Ikea bookcase* Her: that's supposed to be a couch.