Hitlers gonna hitl
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Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
Wise advice
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.